“Feels like an ocean of sorrow is under my skin. Even the ocean eventually meets with sand…” This song is sweet. It starts so sad but ends with the hope of finding joy again…

When our daughter first died, I couldn’t relate to this song. I understood the ocean of sorrow under my skin. But I couldn’t understand how there could be rejoicing in the same song. Now, almost a year later, I can see it.

Yesterday, two people asked me how my heart is doing. Two genuine beautiful people. I felt fine. Usually I answer “pretty fine” or “pretty okay” to this question. There are sad moments but I am not living a melancholy life. I am living a good life with an gentle under current drawing me to the deep dark depth where loss sits and waits for its moment to tug at my clothes to remind me… Yesterday, I was well.

Today on the way home from walking my dog, I passed a woman I recognized. As I passed her, she cuddled close her baby she was carrying in a baby carrier. We smiled at each other. I recognized her because she had been in the news a few weeks ago. Her two beloved family dogs had gone missing. Their dead bodies were found about a week after they went missing. It was clear from the newspaper articles that she loved those dogs.  This all passed through my mind as we passed each other.

Out of no where my spirit cried out inside me, I would trade places with you in an instant! I would trade my dog if I could have our daughter back. I would trade scenarios with you. I cried, out loud, the rest of the way home. I would take your story over mine in a second…

I got home and the day went on. The sun peaked out. I rode my bike to pick up our daughter from school. I carried on. And there was beauty again…

Everyday is beautiful. I say this not in a shout it to the world loud voice. I say it in a quiet thoughtful voice. The voice of a newly converted introvert. I say it as I tilt my head to hear the myriad of birds churping in the yard. I take a deep breath of cool late February air. The air is moist and cool and it smells and feels good in my nostrils.

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