IMG_2469When I was pregnant with our fourth … Truthfully, I want to talk about my fifth pregnancy. We miss carried our forth baby who only lived for 10 weeks. I am so tormented when I talk about my children. I am tormented because, in my heart I believe that our forth child who only lived inside me for 10 weeks, some how doesn’t count in our society. I am tormented when I tell people how many children I have. It is a pretty common question; how many children do you have? I tell people we have three living children. Or we get to raise three. Sometimes I will tell them about our fifth who lived for 60 days. Not often do I include our little Olive who lived so short a time… I have had five children inside my womb. What a blessed woman I am.

When I was pregnant with our FIFTH, I cleared out one of my three dresser drawers. I put baby clothes in it. We were going to have our little one stay in our room for a while and there wasn’t enough space for another dresser. So I put the pink knit hat and sweater set that we were given for her in the drawer. I put the two favourite baby clothing item we had saved from our older kids in the drawer. I also put a few hand me downs that were beautiful in the drawer. I put some baby receiving blankets in and the big wool lamb pillow stuffy that the kids and their dad had chosen for our youngest.

We are approaching the date of this little fifth child’s first birthday. I composed a song the other day about the drawer… I don’t remember it now but it basically said “little hats, little shirts, what do I do with you now…” I wanted her to wear them… I have a box of treasures that we kept of clothes that she did wear and very special items that have deep meaning. But what do I do with those little knit hats and little shirts and that little knit sweater that are still in that drawer. I have not been emotionally able to deal with it up till now. But I am feeling stronger that before around the drawer…

This post doesn’t have deep revelation. It doesn’t have an amazing conclusion. Maybe it just has a question…What do I do with it now…?